You just flatlined
You are no more
But somehow you have to keep going
and strong not to be considered a bad mother
The Doctor gives you an immense list
an extreme grave look
and your child trying to unlock the door
chasing imaginative butterflies on the ceiling
Then the chase begin
Urgency
Urgency
Urgency
Everything is on a deadline
Each doctor
a new checklist of checklists
And who cares
If you need to work
if your insurance don´t cover
if the facility doesn´t accept you because:
you are from DC
they are not accepting new patients
they just plainly do not like you
and get to choose
Your hours keep getting stollen
in infinite protocols
forms filling
Dead ends
Dead ends
Dead ends
The hero mothers out there
telling of the million and one therapies they got
how much less autistic their child are…
And you clean, cook
work, try to learn therapy
clean after the child
schedule appoitments
(better never miss of be late)
read, sing, stimulate,
smile, laugh, bright up the mood…
make trips you cannot afford
It never matters...
You failed as a mother
for everything they cannot achieve
“the mother did not advocate for the child”
the school educator will say
and you bleed for your child
for being so unfortunate to have you as a mother
you flatline again and again and again
but Hey Prometeus,
it’s just another day
and the eagle is hungry
you have broken the rules
you gave this fire of a diferent life
to an incomprehensible humanity
You try to seek help
and they give your more forms
more dates, more work
Why not a casual
“Hey we meet on Tuesdays at eight”
You are tied to Caucasus
at the mercy of the merciless
nobody has anything to do with your pain
It is Spring again
your child happily chaces a bumble bee
and you wish you could just untie
and join him in his joy
and then it affects your first child
No! Not my girl!
Badly, irreversible
and you flatline again
all this daily deaths...
now you are two for two
and the school calls in glee
to prove you wrong
that the once brilliant child they damaged
“just doesn´t care”
you try the law, a professional advocate
and end up in a trial yourself
and your children are put on the accused bench
No mercy, the state got lawyers,
witnesses, professionals vomiting PHDs
freezing hearts
who are you? You are just a bad mother
how dare you request in school evaluations
and they laugh on the two days unforgiving sessions
they destroy the image of your child
they destroy the image you had of your family
They won
Twice
Who are you now?
Who will ever care?
You start thinking of a forest
a place you can go and protect them from this
a place they will be safe
and that place is not on Earth
Shame on you civilization
you are failing fast and you will cramble soon
Autistic motherhood
is an empty playground
you play alone and tied up
and you better go back to reality
there are deadlines eating your liver
and the day is just starting...
Fabiana Avila
March 31st 2026
