AUTISTIC DEADLINE

No! Not my boy

You just flatlined

You are no more

But somehow you have to keep going

and strong not to be considered a bad mother

The Doctor gives you an immense list

an extreme grave look

and your child trying to unlock the door

chasing imaginative butterflies on the ceiling

Then the chase begin

Urgency

Urgency

Urgency

Everything is on a deadline

Each doctor

a new checklist of checklists

And who cares

If you need to work

if your insurance don´t cover

if the facility doesn´t accept you because:

you are from DC

they are not accepting new patients

they just plainly do not like you

and get to choose

Your hours keep getting stollen

in infinite protocols

forms filling

Dead ends

Dead ends

Dead ends

The hero mothers out there

telling of the million and one therapies they got

how much less autistic their child are…

And you clean, cook

work, try to learn therapy

clean after the child

schedule appoitments

(better never miss of be late)

read, sing, stimulate,

smile, laugh, bright up the mood…

make trips you cannot afford

It never matters...

You failed as a mother

for everything they cannot achieve

“the mother did not advocate for the child”

the school educator will say

and you bleed for your child

for being so unfortunate to have you as a mother

you flatline again and again and again

but Hey Prometeus,

it’s just another day

and the eagle is hungry

you have broken the rules

you gave this fire of a diferent life

to an incomprehensible humanity

You try to seek help

and they give your more forms

more dates, more work

Why not a casual

“Hey we meet on Tuesdays at eight”

You are tied to Caucasus

at the mercy of the merciless

nobody has anything to do with your pain

It is Spring again

your child happily chaces a bumble bee

and you wish you could just untie

and join him in his joy

and then it affects your first child

No! Not my girl!

Badly, irreversible

and you flatline again

all this daily deaths...

now you are two for two

and the school calls in glee

to prove you wrong

that the once brilliant child they damaged

“just doesn´t care”

you try the law, a professional advocate

and end up in a trial yourself

and your children are put on the accused bench

No mercy, the state got lawyers,

witnesses, professionals vomiting PHDs

freezing hearts

who are you? You are just a bad mother

how dare you request in school evaluations

and they laugh on the two days unforgiving sessions

they destroy the image of your child

they destroy the image you had of your family

They won

Twice

Who are you now?

Who will ever care?

You start thinking of a forest

a place you can go and protect them from this

a place they will be safe

and that place is not on Earth

Shame on you civilization

you are failing fast and you will cramble soon

Autistic motherhood

is an empty playground

you play alone and tied up

and you better go back to reality

there are deadlines eating your liver

and the day is just starting...

Fabiana Avila 

March 31st 2026

Silent Child

My child came to this world groaning 

Then he screamed

The sound of his existence 

Echoed the universe 

Completed cycles

Initiated reverbs

on the tight strings of my heart

new melody on my empty staff

My child came from the waters

Survived the passage

my eyes also watered

my own sobbing joy

I can still hear within that room

My child’s laughs are my bass

His innocent embrace 

The tempo of each day

My child came not to say

With words of everyday

The stars above witness

This silent child of mine

The sun has tanned on his skin

The memories only he knows

Deep within his genetic code

a decree was written for him

my ears eagerly want to hear 

my heart wants to believe

In my dreams he spoke 

He sang and shouted

but this awakeness

this persistent silence

and though all this chaotic life

Insane words on so many mouths

His silence makes everything music

His pause makes me wonder

If I could only write

The wisdom in his eyes

And how perfect his notes are

On the song of our lives

Fabiana Avila 

To my 5yo beautiful non verbal autistic son...

Fiat Lux

Fiat Lux


  
    
  
                  

art by Olivia Peters

There is a movement in the air

Renoir


Nymphets reflecting cliche

Monet


Watches melting hours to be

Dali


Open hearts, lida

Frida


Abaporu the clay Aborigine

Tarsila

Antropophagy, Anyla


Runs through the ages the same 

spectrum, light, pains

Same love

in multicolored ephyfanies


Cromus and Cronos

awakening

Asleep


Entangled in the web

ideas and dreams

dripping from the veins

empty hourglasses

Sand castles


Dually

The dawning Sphinx gazes

decipher me

As the dusking thinker

Ponders eternal in vain digression

Rodin


In the fertile tubes

Rest yet paints

chisels, rhymes

When suddenly

from within the stone:

A Scream

Fabiana Avila | Poet

Tiny little things

Tiny little things:

cells,

seeds

dew droplets

warm tears

Within the cytoplasmic membrane

the enigmatic code

the mathmatical sequence

Exact

Of things that are

and things yet to be

Tiny little things

the newborn’s hand

delicate flower blossoming in life

toothless smiles

the stripes on fuzzy bees

Tiny little things

tenderness, finesses

warm delights

of so much love

minutely structured

within the crimson fibers

of the pulsing heart

Tiny little things:

the stars,

little dots in the endless sky

so far,

but so brilliant

inside me

Fabiana Avila

A Firefly in Columbia Heights

A firefly!

Mom why?

Why do they flash lights?

At the sound of bumble bees

Wheezing buses

Aroma of roses

Why mommy?

Why trash on the ground?

The squirrel with a naked tail 

Chase the brown one

Over an occasional nut

Mommy that man needs a bath

Shhhhh

But mommy, he is so dirty

What’s that smell?

Trash, honey

We need to wash it mommy

She starts to sing

“- Let it go, let it go”

little hands like tiny magic wands

creating a new world

 Firefighters fly by

With screaming sirens
Gunshots echoes from Columbia Road

That’s too much noise on my ears mommy!

Smile

She seriously stands her right hand up:

- See the red hand? We must stop at the raised hand

Glimpses of wisdom

I suddenly understand

Beyond science

Why do fireflies flash their light

in Columbia Heights

Will this children's light ever shine?

by Fabiana Avila

Sistere (to stand still)

That brief moment

Our paths reach

Either our highest

Or lowest

Where do we start from?

Where are we going to?

Where in heavens will be traced

The Segment

Of our brief fragments?

Yet, when we begin

What before?

What era?

Ever?

Today reaches

The solstice of a soul

The world sees immobility

Appearance

A rock

But the course is changing

a new season rises

As this long wait ends

a new sitting begin

new drops form

for the next rain

new life sprout

to die and give life

again and again

silently

as the mountain moves

beneath our feet

by Fabiana  Avila

Hollow

It’s dark, and I walk alone

blinding lids of long shut eyes

I breath no longer

and the ground is lonely

Deaf has silenced my being

no howls, no cries

I hear no more

No words of good bye

Still this road

this ever so long road

to be under, to walk

climbing the stones of solitude

in this ebony silent night

The blood dries within my heart

as the last glimpses of consciousness

are pitch painted in the chambers of Lethe

Yet, from within the universe

This mighty propulsion:

Forward!

Steps, skips, falls

rivers of cold waters, I feel no more

The road is dark

and I stand alone

The man from Apolo 15

In 1985, as he publishes

Entering Space: An Astronaut’s Odyssey

I entered kindergarten on my literary voyage

In another world, Votuporanga

He is Allen IV,

I, just the middle child

He entered as salt and pepper sprinkles

on our Friday lunch

At the heat of our discussion

about the ugly faucets

our darling husbands

decided to choose

with the plumber’s guidance...

Here, back on Earth,

As he entered retirement in 2004

from his exits to the moon

I was leaving my Earth

(besides being called a loon)

As life’s shuttle orbited

Around years in and out

As I entered the galaxy of marriage

the constellation of motherhood

the nebula of my accomplishments

our paths cross:

He enters the room

with a gaze of one

who’s seen the moon

With a cane, and a NASA pin

on the navy blue lapel

Still in pilot mode

strategic stops

and plenty nerdy jokes

I tell him skeptical

Are you sure you are an astronaut?

You should have been a comedian

He smiles and tell

yet another one about the burned church.

Holly smokes, I just met Joseph P. Allen IV! 

Washington, DC, Salt and Pepper Restaurant, lunch time with Etna Cantora and Andrea

My visit to you

Hi dear friend

darling of mine

sister of my heart

I visit you in thoughts

in prayers

in tears

but overall, thinking of you

I visit you in smiles

I come alone,

but in my soul

this building of past

present, tomorrow

this castle of sand

of diamonds

guarded by courage,

threatened by fears

I bring the world, the ones far and near

I come to see you

sweet window

to be surrounded by your caring light

to hear the wisdom of your music

I bring you flowers

petals of poetry

from life’s garden

fresh, organic

raw blades of green hope

I bring you a chair

not to seat, but to dance around

Put your dancing shoes,

Dance Aviva,

I came to visit, because when I do

who visits me is you!

To my friend Zahara Heckscher

The unexpected stop

The train is on time

on tracks, on days

up nights

Friction, sparks

little starlight

on the horizontal ladder

connections

from here to there

To where?

On the cold ticket

printed defined destinations

Liar

Deranged train

Grabbing the tracks

tricking hearts

with the warmth you produce

but your essence is cold metal

lethal

Captive in your sits

the passengers

glued stiffs

smiles,

sniffs

so many ifs…

Cringe your silver teeth

moving skiff

Let me out

Set me free

Stop rushing me there

Open Sesame!

Untied hair

The golden treasure:

just dust

a day

thin air

from within the fountain

new words

as poetry pours

from every pore

in flair gush

and no more

Tea party at five

Pink clouds

get out of my way

I must go, this is the day!

Silk or lace?

What shade?

Smart hat, pink or lilac?

It must be soft

as the words we must speak

as the cotton-candy sky

as the solemnity of the blooms

The sweet scented petals

caressing soft

as feathery touch on the ear lobe

Taffeta on the table

ancient thin porcelain cups

hand painted blue, glazed in history

There will be delicate little poetry

made of sugar and flower

fruits of delights on crystal towers

Silver reflecting the glorious afternoon

Little bits of hair escaping the golden pin

At five o’clock

I will be having tea with the queen

she will smile at my awkward courtesy

Her best Mona Lisa smile

and I will gaze into her eyes

as if gazing the stars

The tea pot will be boiling then

and I will steam

on the mystery of the sphinx

Will it be deciphered?

Or will she devour me?

Poise, softness, grace

on glass shoes

fly or break

tic tac

and I will keep the moment

on the iron chain of the memories

at the end I will complement her china

she will tell me I can keep it

and when I bow to say good bye

she will be gone

and I will start to weep

and break the cups, the teapot, the plate

and before I leave the gate

I shall have yet a new mosaic

To Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II on her 90th Birthday

True love: Spring love

Hail Earth, lovely Earth

Love blossoms in spring forms

Chirping creatures, distant echoes

Rushing sounds of airplanes

Blue sky, the same sky

Always opalescent in quadratic seasons

Port foundations

Of the great journey, the enigma

Grasses swaddled in blankets of myosotis

Tiny blue boons

Fattening bumblebees

Distilling in honey the sweet indigo

If only love could come back this way…

Overflowing the heart

Impregnating minds

If we could only follow the way

As  birds do

Oh dear spring

Fecund bud called love

Birthing in nuances, fragrances, in colors

If only the glory of this spring

Could rapture souls, wash wars

We would once again wash on the river,

drink from  springs

Who knows then what would say

The promised twilight

To the distant horizon